(This piece was written shortly after Pakistan defeated the United Arab Emirates in their encounter in the World Cup 1996).
On Saturday, those of us who watch the World Cup cricket matches on Star Sports (a part of the hon'ble Rupert Murdoch's Star TV network) were treated to an exhibition that lacks parallel. Star Sports staffer Jonathan Green and former Indian Test player Madan Lal together more than made up for the delayed start of the Pakistan-UAE tie. Would that every match were delayed by the elements and the same two comedians were there to entertain us.
Jonathan Green: Welcome to Star Sports coverage of the one-day tie between Pakistan and the United Arab Emirates. We are blah, blah, blah, blah, blah (and many hundred blahs later) ... the match has been delayed by rain so we will be taking a look at some of the action that has already taken place. (where? when? but never mind, Green rattles on, after turning to Madan Lal) Yes, Madan, what do you feel about this match?
Madan Lal (looks right but then suddenly realises that Green and the camera are on his left and shifts his gaze and gradually his body too): I think the United Arab Emirates have the good chance to make a good show. They have the good batsman (Madan has a singular purpose in life) and the good fielder. In fact, both sides, the Pakistani too, have the good side, you know. So there will be good cricket. (the umpires haven't yet said a word about whether there will be a game but Madan, sitting in Hong Kong, has divined that there will be one).
Green: Yes, we do have a match on our hands, don't we? Let's go to Gujranwala where we can get an update on the situation from Grant Nesbitt (or Nisbett? the screen showed both names).
Grant: Blah, blah, blah, and we will be having an inspection later on. Here's umpire Venkaat and he will be telling us more about the position of the match.
Venkat (in his best pucca sahib accent, though a bit of the Madrasi accent does seep through): waal, the outfield is wet and we are going to have to check it again. the ground has not yet been turned over to us so we cannot say anything. (you think he just did, but never mind...)
Grant: and so it's back to the studio.
Green: Thanks Grant, we will be getting back to you for updates. now let's take a look at some highlights of the Australia-Kenya game.
(The highlights are halfway through when Green appears again; his grin is still as broad as at the beginning of the day and his facts and figures as shaky).
Green: Yes, that was good to see Kenya making such a good showing in their first World Cup tie. (the viewer hasn't yet seen the Kenya innings and this is Kenya's second match, but never mind...) Well, Madan, what do you think of that?
Madan (looks right and then again shifts his gaze when he realises that the camera is still to his damned left): I think the Waugh brother is very good batsman. They have the good stroke and they give Australia the good start. But maybe Kenya will make a fight out of it (everybody knows Kenya made a fight of it since the match took place a day earlier but, again, never mind...)
Green: Let's have a look at the batting figures for Australia (the whole cricketing world calls it a scoreboard but Green, as one would have realised by now, is in a class of his own). How do those measure up, Madan?
Madan (flummoxed by the question and the camera position, but realises he has to say something): Yes, I think so too.
Green (never at a loss for words): Well, let's get another update from Grant in Gujranwala after this short break. (You need a break to recover from that one; even Green cannot ride through after this bouncer).